Porcelain
by SuicideKitten
Summary: Faking laughs and faking smiles with her fake friends, Kate is no longer able to take the pain and pressure of popularity. Her complete lack of self esteem affords her a life of regret until her porcelain smile finally cracks.
1. Mommy Dearist

*Okay, this story will probably eventually cut off, because I am planning to connect it with another one of my stories . . . then again, I may keep it going and just have the same course of events happening from two different points of view. Anyhow, that is a long time away, so . . . enjoy:  
  
Two golden locks, hung loosely, framing her fair and pretty face. Half of the rest was up, while the remainder of it, rested loftily around her shoulders. Pink lip gloss decorated her lips, along with a light breeze of pink eyeshadow. She dressed herself in a blue and green plaid skirt and a white, button up, fitted shirt. Carefully, she put on a little mascara. Black designer shoes accompanied the rest of her outfit. Tossing some lipstick into her purse, she grabbed it and left her room. "Mom, I'm ready to go," she called out to the mansion that surrounded her. Feeling distinctly uncomfortable, even in her own home, she shuffled over to the chair that sat near the stairs. Listening for any noise to pierce the silence, she soon jolted upright, hearing her mother's high heels banging against the marble floors.  
"Alright," her mother said in a lofty voice, straightening her blouse. "Katie, dear, you should really do something with your hair," her mother spouted out, toying with the curls, surrounding her daughter's face.  
Getting a very insecure look on her face, she folded her arms and looked down at the floor. Awkwardly she said, "Mom, I did. This was how I was going to wear it today."  
"Oh," her mother said dryly. "Well, that's fine if it's how you want to wear it. You should do what you like," her mother added sweetly. "I mean, what do I know, anyway? I was only a model for seven years. I only won 24 beauty pagents in my life. Now, I'm just a fashion designer of all the latest styles. It doesn't matter that my clothing designs are acclaimed world wide and pay for most of this," she said emphatically, throwing out a hand to imply the house they lived in.  
"Mom," she said softly, feeling exceedingly embarrassed. Her mother gave her a look that was both pleading and demanding. "How do you think I should style it?" She said hopefully, looking up at her mother.  
A wide, passionate smile crossed her mother's face. "Katie, that's a great idea! I'll be able to do something with it." Her mother sat her down on a chair in their large bathroom and began working on her hair. Violently, she tugged a brush through her daughter's long blonde hair. Bobby pins, curlers, styling gell, hair spray- soon, she finished with a very pleased and sadistic smile spreading across her face.  
"Oh," Kate said, in a defeated kind of voice. Her hair looked beautiful. "That's great." She stood up, quickly grabbed her purse. They were already late.  
"That's what you're wearing?"  
"Yeah, mom. Look, there's no time to change now anyway, I'm late for school. We need to go."  
"Katie, what did I tell you about appearance?"  
Sighing Kate said, "That it's the most important thing after money."  
"Right. Good girl. Now, that outfit is awful. The way you look not only effects the way people treat you, but it reflects me, as a mother and a popular designer. We need to go shopping and get you some new clothes. Here," she said, walking to her own closet, "why don't you wear this today?" She handed her daughter a tight black dress, with straps that criss crossed on the sides, and a few scattered pink flowers. Kate changed without question, into the dress. "You know," her mother went on accusingly, "we could get you much cuter clothes if you'd loose a little weight. I mean, Katie, you could go a lot thinner. When I was your age, I was a size three. You're almost a seven! I really think you should go on a serious diet, and hit the gym a few more times a week. Oh! Maybe we could get you a personal trainer. Wouldn't that be nice?" Her mother's voice was growing higher pitched, and more sickly sweet, by the moment.  
"Yeah. Okay, mom," Kate said softly. "Can we please go now?"  
"I suppose." They walked out to the car. It was a beautiful red Porshe convertable. They drove, without speaking. The only sound was the very soft rumble of the engine and the radio blasting out the latest in pop music. Kate was staring out her window, reproachfully. Her mother smiled all the way to school. As they pulled up to the drop off section, her mother turned and said, "Aren't you glad your car broke down? If only I could take you to school more often. This was so much fun, wasn't it?"  
"Yeah mom," Kate said, unconvincingly. "Bye." 


	2. Belonging

Kate watched her mother's car drive away, then abruptly spun around. The look of pain and insecurity faded from her face. It was replaced with a determined look of power. This was the place where Kate ruled. Where she could release the hatred and anguish that built inside her every moment she spent home. Fixing her dress and making sure her hair was still intact, Kate set off for the steps to her high school. Swishing her hips from left to right, she walked with style, like a runway model. She walked directly to the front office.  
In an important and defiant voice, she said to the lady seated behind the counter in the front office, "I need a late slip."  
"Reason?"  
"My car. It's in the shop. Just for today. A nail or something got stuck in the tire and they just decided to replace all four. Anyway, my mom had to take me today, so I'm late."  
The woman looked at Kate accusingly. She raised her eyebrows as if trying to pick apart her story to find a lie hidden within. Deciding it measured up, she wrote Kate Sanders and the date on the slip. Under, "Reason" she simply wrote, "car trouble" and handed Kate the small pink slip. "Go straight to class."  
Kate rolled her eyes in defiance. Where else would she go? If she were planning on skipping, why would she even go to the office? Walking on in frustration, she made her way up the stairs and into class. Opening the classroom door, she noticed someone in her seat. Before she got the chance to address the problem, her teaher spoke. "Late again, are we Miss Sanders? Well, it's no big deal as we all know the world revolves around you."  
"That's what my dad says," Kate replied with a breezy smile. As the class laughed, she shot a murderous look at the boy in her seat and he moved without delay.  
"Please, just take your seat Miss Sanders. We'll discuss your truancy later. Now," he said addressing the class, "open your books to page 64, and begin the discussion questions.  
Kate took out a nail file and went to work on her nails. She had no need to even bother looking like she was working any more. All of her work was done for her by pathetic, unpopular students and her teachers knew it- more or less. Once at school Kate forgot how her mother made her feel, and took on characteristics of the woman she hated. Any ounce of depth faded into her scowl. Any sense of compassion went out with each time a boy in her class checked her out. It didn't matter how much she truly hated herself. At school, any ounce of feelings like that, faded away.  
  
Lunch time. Kate walked seductively down the rows of tables, accompanied by her posse of giggling girls. Each table brought on new smiling faces. Each trying to get Kate to sit with them. Kate left the inside of the lunch room, as one groan seemed to resound from all within. She walked outside, towards a table that was hidden by a large tree.  
"Hey babe," a voice came from behind her.  
"He-, mmmmm," she began, but was stopped by his kiss. "Ethan, happy to see me?"  
"You know it," he said, pushing her against the tree and slipping a hand up her skirt.  
"Ethan," she said, putting her hand on his. "Not here."  
He kissed her hard, grabbing her breast and thrusting her hand up her skirt more forcefully. He caressed her skin beneath his hand as he felt around her body that was hidden to the rest of the world beneath her tight black dress. Finally, she pressed hard on his hand, forcing him away from her. "Not here," she repeated firmly. She walked over to the lunch table. Ethan gave a huff and walked off to flirt with another girl. Kate looked down, almost hurt. During lunch she mostly sat and watched everyone talk, with nothing to do but sigh and look bored, preferably attractively bored. She didn't eat anything, and no one noticed. Almost none of her friends ate lunch. Many people talked to her and she said things, without even realizing she was talking. It was the daily drill. She made some meaningless small talk, insulted a few people and looked sexy. That seemed to be all her life meant. She embraced the stereotype she fit willingly. At least it felt like she belonged somewhere. Sometimes, anyway. 


	3. Porcelain Doll

That night, Kate practiced putting on her make up. Trying to obtain perfection. If only she were prettier. Better. Then maybe, her mother could accept her. Maybe if she were prettier, she wouldn't feel that nagging pain in her chest that followed her through each day. If only she could understand where that came from. Kate was applying mascara when the phone rang. A smudge of black splattered her eye lid as she jumped at the ring.  
"Hello," she said as casually as she could, after picking up the phone on the fifth ring. You have to make whoever's calling at least think you're doing something more important than talking to them.  
"Kate?" The voice was loud and squeeky. Kate knew immediately who it was.  
"Of course it's me. Duh. Come on, Claire."  
"Oh right, duh. Okay, so are you going to Jesse's party tomorrow?"  
Kate had completely forgotten about it. Parties seemed to interest her less and less ever since the night at Ethan's house the previous year. She quickly pushed the memory of it out of her mind and said reluctantly, "Of course I'm going. When have I ever missed a party?" It was too true. There could be no party without Kate Sanders. Still, the looming obligation of yet another party terrified Kate. The things she did at these parties, she had no control over. Yet whatever she did do, the regret lingered on, forcing guilt down her spine as it pulsated through her veins like poison. Claire had continued jabbering away on the other line. Kate had again zoned out. Quickly, she pushed her memories down as far as she could, attempting to believe she was happy. Why shouldn't she be happy? She had everything anyone could want.  
Suddenly, Kate heard her mother call from the other room. "Claire," she said, cutting her off. "I have to go now. I'll see you tomorrow." Banging down the phone, Kate lifted herself from her spot on the floor and wandered out her door. To her surprise her mother was standing right outside preparing to knock.  
"Oh, here you are," her mother said with a laugh, that nausiating smile still plastered over her face. "I just wanted to tell you diner's ready. Maria has cooked some nice, healthy-"  
"I'm not hungry," Kate blurted out, her eyes quickly darting to the floor.  
"That's wonderful, dear," her mother wailed with overenthusiasm. "I'm so glad your finally thinking conciously about your weight problem. Good girl. Now if we could only get you to the gym."  
"Yeah, I'll go tomorrow," Kate mumbled, defiantly staring at the floor.  
"Good girl. Now, don't let me disturb you from whatever you were up to. You just go right back. I'll see you in the morning," her mother began to walk away. "Oh," she squeeked, turning back around, right as Kate was about to shut the door. "I picked up your car today. It's wonderful. All ready. You can drive yourself in tomorrow. And of course to any weekend plans you might have."  
"Oh, well there was this one party-"  
"Don't even tell me. I'm just so proud of your popularity at that little school of yours. You remind me of myself. You have a slightly more, unique, beauty, but still, I loved to go out every weekend. Flirting with all the boys. Oh, I bet that's just what you do."  
"Yeah, mom," Kate said, with a tinge of saddness mounting in her voice.  
"Okay, then. Well, see you in the morning."  
Kate gently closed the door behind her and went straight to sleep. Stopping only to wash the make up off her face and brush her teeth. 


	4. The Party

The sparkling drive way lights seemed to glimmer against the silver paint job of the Porshe Kate drove up to the party. She stepped out, looking as seductive as possible, with her fire engine red shoes and long finger nails to match. A tight, strapless, leather dress was squeezed around Kate's curvy frame. The dress was black, with red hearts adorning the rim of the bottom of the dress, which was very short, showing of the entirity of her legs. Each step contained ample amounts of elegance, grace and beauty. Kate clutched her purse as casually as was possible as she made her way into the mansion where the party was being held. Fashionably late as always, she noticed she was probably the last one there. Drunken teenage girls were already being seduced by the few college guys who'd shown up. Ethan jumped out from behind the couch and grabbed Kate around the waist, managing to hold on to the beer in his hand without spilling any of it.  
"Hey, babe," he said cooly, his eyes dialated.  
"Ethan, get off me. Aren't you with Chelsea?" He pointed to a girl who was on a couch making out with a blonde guy.  
"I think we're over."  
"Oh, well that relationship lasted a whopping 16 hours, didn't it?" Kate said rolling her eyes.  
"Come on, let's go upstairs."  
"No, Ethan, I can't. I'm so tired of this. What am I to you anyway?"  
"Really, really, sexy," he said leaning in and gently kissing he neck.  
"Stop it."  
"Come on, Kate, don't be a bitch. You know you want me."  
"No, that's okay," she said walking away.  
He grabbed her again, this time more forcefully. She never could resist him, or any other guy for that matter. Something about the way they wanted her, she felt obligated. She felt so hideously ugly that somewhere deep inside her, she truly believed they were doing her some kind of favor, and she had to obey them. Forcing his tongue down her throat, she kissed him back reluctantly and followed him upstairs.  
Ethan grabbed for a door knob without knocking. One of his hands was loosely holding Kate's. "Oh, sorry," he said into the dark room as some girl inside screamed. "Come on." They walked further down the hallway, until they finally found an unoccupied room and locked the door. Kate led the way into the room, following the routine. Thoughts kept infiltrating her mind, no matter how much she tried to make herself numb to what she was doing. If she'd done it so many times it had become routine, then why did she still feel so sick? Why did it still feel wrong? Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, she let Ethan unzip her dress. It fell off her instantly, reveiling her large, pallid breasts. Reaching down with her hands, she clutched the bottom of her dress and pulled it the rest of the way off. Aside from her red heals, Kate was completely nude. Wearing underwear seemed pointless now, when she knew how soon it would be coming off. "Yeah," Ethan muttered looking her up and down. He undressed himself as Kate uncomfortably layed down on the bed. Adorned with the glass slipper of our generation, Ethan climbed on top of Kate. "It's so sexy when you keep your heels on," he said addressing the fact that she was still wearing her shoes. Kate gave a smile. It was the only reaction she could think of giving. Without warning, Ethan pushed his way inside her firmly, making her squeal out in a mixture of pain and pleasure. He was not one to be gentle or slow. None of them were. After the initial pang of enterance, Kate mostly felt nothing. She attempted to seem interested as he panted on top of her, but the noises escaping her lips were as fake as her scarlet nails. Heaving loud breaths, Ethan began to perspire. Very quickly, he reached his climax and the moment was over. Ethan began to dress himself, tossing the used condom into a corner of the room. Kate lied there for a moment reflecting. How could seven minutes worth of meaningless, unpleasurable sex cause her so much pain. Without speaking to her again, Ethan left her there alone, ready to go prey on another innocent young girl. Kate's mind flashed back to a year ago at a party at Ethan's house. It was the memory she hated the most.  
On a dark September evening, a much more innocent Kate had gone off to a party at her then boyfriend, Ethan's house. Drinking a few too many drinks, Kate had become very willing. Ethan pushed her down onto a couch and before she could protest, he was inside of her. It was scary and painful. People at the party were watching. The embarrassment and pain she suffered lasted longer than any insult her mother could throw her way. Kate always felt he'd raped her, but never dared to tell anyone her true feelings. Not even Ethan. Not that he would care. He dumped her a week after the night and the only time he talked to her was when he wanted to use her. Kate began to get up to dress again, when another guy, named Connor, walked in. "Hey Kate," he said smoothly. "Whatcha up to," he went on, with a coy smile.  
Kate said nothing, as he wandered towards her. Leaning down to the place at the edge of the bed where she was seated, he began to kiss her, lying her back down on the bed. Without protest, she let this boy she barely knew enter her again and again. This time, a few of the moans she let out were real. Connor kept her there for a solid twenty minutes. When finished, he kissed her and said how beautiful she was. "I'll catch you later," he said winking. When this string of casual sex had started, a year ago with Ethan, Kate would have become extremely happy with his statement. This is what addicted her, until the moment when she became so weak she couldn't say no. The compliments, the feeling of being wanted, the moment of happiness before they leave. Directly following the moment when he shut the door, Kate quickly dressed herself, not wanting anymore right now. Finding some random girl in the hallway, Kate got help zipping up her skirt. She then walked down to the party, making her way quickly toward the drink table. Her eyes landed on the Vodka. Taking one of the red plastic cups, she poured herself a tall glass of straight Vodka and downed the whole thing. Anything to take away what just happened upstairs. She followed this up with a Smirnoff Ice and wandered over to the couch where two guys were doing lines of cocaine. Kate had never tried anything like that before. She'd smoked marajuana a few times, but never anything that could kill her. Intreagued she made her way towards these boys when out of no where Claire popped up. Handing Kate a lit cigarette, she said, "So you made it with Connor? Very nice."  
"Yeah," Kate replied taking a long drag on the cigarette. "Hold on a second." Kate continued her journey toward the two guys. "Hey, can I try?" She asked hopefully, trying to look as mature and sexy as possible.  
"Sure," one of the guys said casually, while the other gave him a dirty look. Kate took the rolled up dollar bill and leaned over. She'd seen people do this a hundred times. With her hand that was free from the cigarette, she held the cylindrical green paper to the begining of the white line and began to suck it into her nostril. Fire seemed to scald her insides. It hurt worse than anything she'd felt as her nose seemed to dry out. Then, she felt odd. Excited. On edge. She took a long drag on her cigarette, trying to look cool and uneffected and walked on without giving the two guys a second glance.  
As Kate walked she soon realized she was out by the pool. Suddenly, up from behind her she felt a hand on her butt. She rolled her eyes at the redundancy of the evening. A heavy and painful sigh escaped her crimson lips. 'Who is it now?' She wondered sorrowfully. Soon, her question was answered. It was one of the college guys. A rather cute one, probably around twenty three. He spoke to her beautiful words that she merely took as bad foreplay and completely ignored. As Kate listened to the backround noises of splashes and giggling, she soon realized he was kissing her. Wondering whether she should push him away, as she had never been with a college boy before, she soon gave up and succame to his strong arms that pinned her against the wall. Slowly he reached down with his hand, eliciting gentle moans from her and he massaged her with his fingers. Kate became filled with more pleasure than she'd felt all night. He seemed so gentle and kind, when suddenly, he ruined it by unzipping his pants and pressing his body against hers. Like the rest he was just biding his time until he felt it was safe to persue.  
  
After two more guys, and six more drinks, Kate decided it was safe for her to leave and drove off in her Porshe without saying goodbye to anyone. The road home was slightly blurred, but pretty empty and manageable to drive on. Kate pulled up to her driveway safely and turned the key off. Sitting there for a moment in silence in the darkened car, Kate began to think of all the things she'd done. Suddenly, clear droplets rolled down her face and progressed to heavy, heaving sobs. She stayed in her car, crying for nearly ten minutes before finally reaplying her make up and stolling through her house off to bed.  
"Good night Katie," her mother chimed from her bed room.  
"Good night," Kate whispered somberly and shut the door behind her. 


	5. Normal Life

At school on Monday, Kate walked through the hallways with assumed pride and poise. However, her entire body was laden with shame and guilt for the way she'd acted and the things she'd done on Friday night. Willingly giving herself up like she always did. Succumbing to anything offered to her. Still, for a few moments she had felt beautiful. Or, at least, wanted. Needed. Loved, somehow.  
The thing that heaped on her the heaviest amounts of shame were the looks from passing students. They smiled sweetly- everyone trying to get in good with "Miss Popularity", but Kate saw their true feelings in their eyes. Some of them actually had self respect, and seemed to be chastising Kate in their minds- completely oblivious to her reasons, the same reasons even Kate herself could not figure out. Others, looked on with apprehension. Wondering, if they had to do those things to become popular. If it was worth it. If it might even be fun. Still others, simply thought nothing of it, because they were just like Kate. Yet none of the girls in these categories seemed to mind so much that they were selling their souls so willingly.  
Babbling uncontrollably, Kate's regular group of cheerleaders and other popular girls came running up to her, swapping stories about Friday night, wondering why Kate hadn't made it to the Roxy on Saturday. Letting the sounds around her drown themselves out, Kate zoned out while meaningless answers sputtered from her lips. This world she lived in didn't even require her full attention. Kate wondered where exactly it was she lost herself.  
  
After cheerleading practice that day, a bunch of the girls were going out and Kate went along. They decided to go to the mall for a quick shopping spree. Giggling and jumping along through the mall, pointing out the clothes they wanted, running into stores to try on the latest fashions, the girls were an unstoppable mob of the perfection of teenage puberty. Eventually, after a few hours of buying clothes and jewlery with daddy's credit card, they all stopped in at the food court. Each of the girls picked out their favourite foods and grabbed some lunch.  
"Oh my gawd, Casey, how do you eat McDonald's and still stay so skinny?" Claire spouted out, in an almost offended voice.  
"Oh, it's my genes," she replied. "I have a really fast metabolism."  
"Well, I just don't have that fast of a metabolism, but I exercise a lot," another girl said, taking her tray, filled with a Big Mac, french fries, an ice cream sundae and a large diet coke.  
Claire rolled her eyes and said, "I'll stick with a salad, thanks. What are you gettin' Kate?"  
A few girls turned their heads toward Kate waiting to see what she would order. Kate looked down uncomfortably. She hadn't eaten anything in three days and she was afraid to eat now. Afraid to get any heavier. Her mother would never approve if she gained anymore weight. Still, Kate didn't want the other girls to think she was weird. "I'm not really hungry."  
"Kate! We were at practice for like, four hours. And I didn't see you eat lunch. You must want something!"  
"No, really," Kate said, hoping Claire would drop the subject. "I'm fine."  
"Are you absolutely sure?" Jessica said. "Here, have a french fry. Maybe you just need to know what you're missing."  
Kate forced a smile and took the french fry. As she popped it into her mouth, her stomach churned excitedly and her taste buds locked on to each particle. Will power now draining away, Kate ordered a chicken caesar salad and some french fries. The food was amazingly delicious. She felt like a normal teenager for a moment. Eating with her peers at the mall after cheerleading practice and a good few hours of shopping. However, soon, the same rush of fear and anxiety rushed through her body. Kate began feeling the weight she could gain from just one french fry. What would a whole carton do? Still, she tried to keep her composure and kept smiling and giggling with the rest.  
After about ten minutes, when she'd finished eating, Kate said, "Hey, I'll be right back. I have to go to the restroom."  
"Okay," one of the girls said with a smile.  
Kate rushed off to the public restrooms at the end of the food court. She didn't exactly know what she was doing. Flinging open the bathroom door, she found a stall at the end of the row. Standing there for a moment, the door still partially opened, she thought about why she had gone in there. What idea had crept into her brain, telling her to run to the bathroom. Quickly, she locked the door to the bathroom stall and got down on her knees. A tear escaped her eye, softly rolling down her cheek as the cold reality of what she was doing began to sink in. The tears multiplied, as she drew two fingers up to her lips. Opening her mouth, feeling guilty and disgusting, she stuck her manicured fingernails down the back of her throat. A large cough ejected from her throat, but nothing else. She wondered where she'd gone wrong. She had assumed this would be easier. The tears were soon replaced with frustration, yet the guilt stuck around. Again, she tried, this time keeping her fingers there as she coughed. It finally worked and she left the stall, walking slowly out to the sinks. Kate washed her hands and washed out her mouth and tried her best to regain composure as she walked out to the food court to be with the rest of her group. 


	6. Alone

"Miss Sanders," the teacher said gruffly as the bell rang. "Please come here, I need to speak with you."  
Kate looked around at her group of friends rolling her eyes and giving them a quick smile. They left the room, giggling, running off to lunch. "Yeah?"  
"Miss Sanders, as you should be fully aware, your performance in my class has not been up to par."  
Kate looked away. To some extent she had known this, however she'd made it a point recently of avoiding all contact with her grades. They only made her feel afraid of the life she was wasting.  
Her teacher continued without waiting for a response. "Well, to be quite frank, it's terrible. Your grade is sinking, Miss Sanders and if you don't do something about it soon, I'll have to assign you a tutor." The teacher used this as a sort of scare tactic because of previous dealings with Kate. He had offered her a tutor once out of kindness and when Kate so fervently refused, he decided to use it as a bit of leverage.  
Kate began to shake her head. "No, it's okay, I'll do better, don't worry. I've just been, a bit, overwhelmed lately."  
The teacher stared her down, almost menacingly. "Alright, Katie, if you insist." Kate shuddered slightly as he said this and a look of fear consumed her. Why had her teacher called her Katie? Only her mother called her Katie. Quickly, she snatched up her back pack and ran out of the room. However, she didn't run very far. Her body felt very weak. It had been days since she'd eaten anything at all. This strange dizzy sensation would flood her body periodically during the day. Pulling herself together, she forced her body to walk in as straight of a line as she could manage, smiling at anyone who passed her by.  
"Hey," she said briskly, taking her seat at the lunch table.  
"What's up?"  
"Not much." Internally, she rolled her eyes at this. It was such a stupid question. Then, the insessant small talk began. She sat there, trying not to look as uncomfortable as she felt. Looking around at the table, she realized just how alone she was. How horrible popularity was. Each of these girls talked to her, with alterior motives on their minds. They wanted to be her. They wanted to be in her clique. Every time she opened her mouth to speak they were all so busy hanging on her every word, no one heard a thing she was saying. No one truly listened and there was not a single girl in that group who would risk breaking a nail to save Kate's life. These people before her weren't her friends. They were a mix of delusional girls who truly believed that teenage life was complete when spent drinking, doing drugs, driving fast and having sex. And also, hanging around with the popular crowd. These girls would one day look back on their lives feeling that these were the glory days, while Kate would be spending years trying to forget the things she'd experienced in high school life. The lonliness. The longing. Why then, didn't she just cast off the chains of popularity. Some other girl could replace her immediately. She was nothing special. No one would even notice she'd gone. So, why didn't she just take the plunge. For a moment, her mind rested on this question. As she thought she realized it was because she would probably never have friends. She didn't remember how to make friends. More over, she didn't remember who she really was. Thinking about this terrible aspect for a moment, she realized she may have never known. She'd simply embraced whatever mold her peers put her in. Being the leader offered her some comfort. Even if popularity made her feel awful, guilty, ashamed and sad, the alternative offered nothing better. So Kate stayed at the table with her popular friends and began discussing her take on the latest fashions, gossiping about different people in the school, talking about who she thought was hot. It was easy for her to just fit in. It was easy to embrace whatever stereotype everyone else wanted her to be, to feel. Letting go of the feelings that had been running through her veins, she perked up, smiling wider for every ounce of pain she felt. Because they didn't care what you were feeling inside. All that mattered was being what the public wanted.  
"Yeah, I know he's soooo cute," Kate said bubbly, swishing back her hair as she spoke. 


End file.
